hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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