Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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