your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
