i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
