Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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