Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
