i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
