his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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