i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
