theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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