girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
