I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
My liver just broke up with me...
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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