Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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