A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
