All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
These tits shall not be calmed
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
