I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
