does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
