rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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