They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
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