Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Barsexuality is the new black.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
