We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
