I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
