How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
