No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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