somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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