Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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