There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
