I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Randomize
