i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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