I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
