I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I can't put those talents on a resume
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
