youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
