Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
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