The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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