do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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