I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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