i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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