pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Randomize
