Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
