Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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