You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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