what day is it and did you see me today?
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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