There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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