Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
