she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
