you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
