I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
