Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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