Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
