I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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